Our Policy Toward Tourists 

By Smith Smith
     Well, our policy toward tourists is simple.   They suck.   They're stupid, they're ugly, and did I mention they SUCK!  They walk around cluttering up streets, restuarants, and shops looking for lame little souvenirs to bring back to their lame little homes in their lame little towns, they're just an utter nuisance.   Several times I have proposed a city law banning entrance to our city for tourists.  Under my law, all non-residents of the city would have to fill out a form, stating their purpose for visiting Crumm Mountain.  If this were passed, traffic concerns would disappear, crime would decline, and we wouldn't have to deal with idiots looking for souvenirs.  Look,  I feel very passionate about this.  To me it's simply a quality of life issue.  Why should we, the people who live in a city, the locals, have to bombarded by these goofy, clumsy Clark W Griswalds everytime we walk down the street to get a paper or a coffee.   "Hey, excuse me sir, can you take a picture of me with the family".   When this happens I'll usually say, "Sure, anything for tourists" and as soon as they hand me the camera, I'll toss it as far as I can, and start cussing at the family of bumbling buffoons, I'll be like; "Get the fuck out of my city, you fucking scumbags, take your dumb, spoiled kids, your stupid camcorder, and your luggage-filled RV, and get as far away from this citie's borders as you can."   I'll try to give them the most negative experience they have ever had on vacation, so that they never come back to Crumm Mountain again.   I love it when their children cry.  Nothing is more gratifying.   "Wah-wah-wah, that mean man threw our camera away and yelled at us.  Boo hoo hoo"  This ain't Disney World you little jerk off.   Now get out of my city, and don't spend any money, the last thing I want is your stupid tourist money, polluting our economy.  So take your money and get the hell out, and don't y'all come back now, ya hear.  
     Now, I don't generally go around agreeing with the things that rednecks and hill people where on their t-shirts, or put on the bumpers of their pick-up trucks.   But that shirt that says'  "If it's tourist season, then why can't we shoot em?", is absolutely fucking brilliant.   Now, I'm not saying I'd like to shoot tourists, well wait, actually I would.   So, my point is, if your a tourist.  You suck.  And if I see you, and I actually have a firearms on my person, I'll give you a souvenir, that you'll have forever and ever and ever.   

Go to Disney World asshole.    

Albany, NY
Mayor Gerald Jennings (D)

Auburn, NY
Mayor Melina Carnicelli
City Manager John Salomone

Binghamton, NY
Mayor Richard Bucci (R)

Buffalo, NY
Mayor Anthony Masiello (D)

Chlymidia Mountain, NY
Mayor Stanley Grouke (Socialist)

Cortland, NY
Mayor Bruce Tytler

Elmira, NY
Mayor Stephen Hughes
City Manager Samuel Iraci Jr.

Glens Falls, NY
Mayor Robert A. Regan

Gloversville, NY
Mayor Abe Seroussi

Kingston, NY
Mayor T.R. Gallo

Long Beach, NY
City Manager Bruce Nyman (D)

Newburgh, NY
Mayor Andrew Marino

Oneonta, NY
Mayor Kim Muller (D)

Rochester, NY
Mayor William A. Johnson, Jr

Syracuse, NY
Mayor Roy Bernardi (R)

Utica, NY
Mayor Tim Julian