The Shadow Chamber of Commerce
The Bart Podpadic Commons Area

The Crumm Mountain Shadow Chamber of Commerce



The Grassy knoll, 13 Chairman Mao Blvd. Chlymidia Mountain, NY:  A bar/restaurant for todays contemporary paranoid conspiracy theorist.  Where Big Brother not only watches you, but might just try to buy you a drink.  Menu's printed on the backs of highway signs.  May we take your new world order please.  

Kentucky Fried Fetus's, 268 Podpadic Commercial Corridor, Chlymidia Mountain, NY:Curette lickin' good.   Novelty eatery, raids the dumpsters behind planned parenthood, and serves the public cooked fetus's.  Planned Parenthood never tasted this good

McJesus's, 523 Podpadic Commercial Corridor, Chlymidia Mountain, NY: The body of Christ never tasted this good!  Do you believe in Jesus, and I hope you do, cuz you'll always have a lord wearin' big red shoes.   The first fast food joint/place of worship out there.  36 million saved!   Would you like salvation with that?  

Sal Manella's Pizzeria, 42 Kropotkin Ave., Chlymidia Mountain, NY: If theres any meal thats worth 2 weeks of diarrhea, it's at Sal Manella's Pizzeria.  

The Unidentified Flying Pizza Parlor,354 Podpadic Commercial Corridor, Chlymidia Mountain, NY: Where the pizza is just out of this world. Literally.  Breadstick anal probes, Alien Autopsy Toppings.  Who knew?  All this time when Aliens were secretly visiting this planet it was just to learn about our pizza.  Well they've taken what they've found, perfected it with their superior alien ingenuity and now there here to put all you other terrestrial pizza places out of business.   Invasion of the pepperoni snatchers.

The Chuck E. Cheese Mental Institution: 602 Mother Jones Ave., Chlymidia Mountain, NY: Where the clinically insane can be clinically insane.   It's an arcade, it's a restuarant, it's an amusement park, it's an all around fun place.  Especially if you happen to be clinically insane.  But don't have too much fun or else the men in white coats with butterfly nets will come and pump you full of thorazine, put you in a straighjacket, and throw you in a white padded room.   Then if you like, you can go for our stretcher ride of doom, you'll be tide down to a stretcher and pushed down endless hallways as you encounter an assortment of horrors.  Where everything you say is interpretted as a suicide threat.  Even Have A Nice Day might be misconstrued.  Hmm, Have a nice day?  Why?  Are you not having a nice day?  Are you sad, depressed, possibly suicidal, Hmm, we better take you back and have a look at you.    

Human Roadkill Cafe: 288 Podpadic Commercial Corridor. Chlymidia Mountain, NY: A cozy little place opened up by local rescue squad workers with a healthy sense of humor. Menu's feature dishes such as the Hit and Run Hot plate, the should've looked both ways souflet, the pedestrian puddle platter, and if you like your meat fresh off the grill, thats the grill of the car, you can sit in our make believe car, and pretend to run down a helpless pedestrian.  It's all done tastefully, I assure you.  Severed arms and legs are all the rage here.  Don't worry there not really human, hell there not even really meat. It's actually dyed and shaped lasagna with mushrooms and eggplant.  Tip: Try the finger foods.     

 Retail outfits
The Big Inconvenience store, 399 Chlymidia Mountain Drive, Chlymidia Mountain, NY: Cigarrettes, beverages, newspapers, magazines, greeting cards (dual role relatives only), groceries, etc. etc.

Marshall Laws, 1004 Mother Jones Ave., Chlymidia Mountain, NY: A clothing store, with a twist, well actually it's a police state run amuck.  Abandon all constitutional rights all ye who enter here.  Shop til you drop, or til you get the crap beat out of you by a police officer.  Where customer service is a boot in your face and a blackjack in your ribs

The CD End Of Town-1258 Podpadic Commercial Corridor, Chlymidia Mountain, NY:  A most expansive variety of punk, country, alternative, bluegrass, and folk selections.  

Manhole Hardware, 724 Debs Ave., Chlymidia Mountain, NY: A hardware store chock full of extremely horni gay men.  A gay bar/hardware store.  
The good old boys ought to love that huh?   Need a hard screw?   Manhole?  Is that or is that not the ultimate and quintessential name for a gay mens bar?  But what, was Homo Depot taken or something?  

Bedpans and Colostome Bags: A novelty shop for the scatologically inclined.  Selling novelty merchandise designed after things you might find in a nursing home, coroners office, or laboratory.  The full-body foley suit*, which allows individuals to wear their own urine, without actually coming into contact with it,  is an example of something they just can't keep on the shelves. For those whose taste runs to the scatological, BP&CB's is the place to accesorize.  

*The Full-body foley suit is a patented design by Greg Julian.  It resembles a jumpsuit, but it's actually a giant bag.  It has one hole in the front of the crotch, this allows the male to urinate into the foley suit.   It also contains a removable back portion, which is used for defecation. The purpose of the full-body foley suit is to see how long it takes to fill the entire suit with urine.  The suit is completely sealed and there is no risk of the urine spilling out.   

Lockdown Video:  It's a video store within a prison.   In the all-american entreupenurial spirit, the owners of a onetime boring old video store, decided they needed to spice things up a bit.  So they decided to cash in on the new private prison boom.   And now they've got hardened criminals sitting around stinking, scheming, and masturbating, hurling insults and bowel movements at customers.  So now while you shop around for a movie to take home, you can ask the inmates for their personal reviews.  

Must come up with a prison parody

Farmer Mengele's Genetically Modified FrankenFruitstand: Welcome to the new millenium.  After years and years of genetically manipulating fruits and vegetables, they finally created a human/vegetable hybrid.  They've got Mr. Potatohead (and his bucket of fun), they've got corn that actually has ears, and for Halloween, they've got pumpkins with faces already grown into them, saving you the inconvenience of having to carve one into it.  You know what they say.  It's a brave new crop!

Bad Press: Chlymidia Mountains alternative bookstore.  With an extensive collection of work from a diverse range of subversive writers, and many reactionary authors as well (in the interests of ideological balance).
Let Them Eat Jellybeans: It's Chlymidia Mountains candy shop.   A delectable assortment of all kinds of sugary sweets and treats

Chairman Mao's Fashion Boutique:  Clothing for a class-conscious proletariat.  A great way to set yourself apart from the bourgeois culture whores. Clothing is very drab, and very plain.  Actual designs used in Soviet Russia, and red China.  Tommy Hilfiger parodies for Leon Trotsky, Emma Goldman, Bill Haywood, and Vladymir Lenin.   
It's no longer enough to dress like your in a gang, now you've got to dress like your in the Gang of Four.   Whether you want to look like lenin, or you just want to be a proud, proletarian worker, Chairman Mao's Fashion Boutique, is the place to build your wardrobe.    

Fifth Column Press: A small, independent, worker-run shop specializing in books, periodicals, music, t-shirts, pins, and buttons that challenge existing norms and practices.  
Topics include anarchism, socialism, labor, ecology, globalization, and so much more.  

with locations in Chlymidia Mountain, Utica, Albany, Oneonta, and Ithaca, NY

The Crumm Mountain Co-op Market:
Opened up in 1921, the Crumm Mountain Co-op market has stood the test of time and proven that a top-down hierarchal business structure is not the only way to run a successful business.   It has proven to be a great place to shop and an even greater place to work.   Co-op members benefit financially based on their contributions to the co-op.  


The Rush Limbaugh Laundromat:  Stuff a sock in it.  Washing machines that can spin like you wouldn't believe.  And driers, just like Limbaugh, full of hot air.  So come on down and wash your clothes with the detergents of democracy.  At the Rush Limbaugh Laundromat.   Also the G. Gordon Liddy home security system.  

The Crumm Mountain School Of The Americas:
or The Institute of counterinsurgency arts. Courses in how to rig elections, assasinate religious leaders, rape and murder nuns, and of course magic tricks.  How to make people disappear and reappear in some unmarked mass grave site.  Remember what your doing may be wrong and immoral, but it's okay when you do it in the context of fighting communism.   Always remember;  Even though communism is no longer a serious threat to American capitalism, we must maintain a bloated defense budget to appease the high-flying defense industry and their generous contributions to political campaigns.    

School of the Americas Gift Shop: With all these terrorist training camps in Afghanistan getting blown to bits, I sure hope Bush doesn't bomb the School of the Americas in Fort Benning, Georgia.  This program has been crucial in training some of the western hemisphere's most brutal and bloody death squads.  Without whose diligence in defending democracy and freedom from democratically elected governments unfriendly to American business interests, who knows where we might be today? So what is offered here?  El Mozote postcards.  Latex blow-up nuns to rape and bury in unmarked graves.  Giant life-size Archbishops to use for target practice.  And more.

Mistress Tonya's Beauty Salon of Bondage: 295 Podpadic Commercial Corridor. Chlymidia Mountain, NY: A great place to get a trim and a spanking.  You go in, you get seated, you get tied up in a straightjacket, and mistress Tonya will take care of you.  You never know what she'll do.  You might get a pink mohawk, a purple mullet, she might just shave the top and spike the sides like Bozo the clown.  The point is, when your in Mistress Tonya's chair, your at her mercy.  And don't even think about making no small talk either.  Mistress Tonya's been known to verbally dismantle her clients, insulting them cruelly, as she has her way with their poor, helpless hair.    

Friends & Enemas: 356 Podpadic Commerce Corridor, Crumm Mountain, NY    Well, the name say's it all.  It's an enema parlor, yeah that's right, an enema parlor, where you can socialize with like-minded people.  You know, the kind that enjoy having enemas in public.     

El Mozote Cinema Complex: 735 Podpadic Commercial Corridor, Chlymidia Mountain, NY:  Somewhere in El Salvador there is a mass grave site, filled with the rotting carcasses of the thousands of disappeared civillians, kidnapped and murdered by U.S.-funded death squads.  Since most Americans probably won't ever have the pleasure of seeing what their wonderful government is responsible for, we thought it would be a good idea to replicate, to the best of our abilities, the El Mozote mass grave site. The actual theater is built on a mound of synthetic flesh-covered bodies.  And from the ceilings hang more dead bodies.  On the walls are signs saying things like "Making the world safe for Democracy" and "Winning the hearts and minds of the people".  And of course, what would a mass grave site be without the smell of rotting carcasses?   Thats why we have several ducts pumping in the fresh aroma of rotting carrion.  It's authentic, it might not be human, but it's authentic.  It's actually animal bodies.  

Barnum and Bailey: Attorney's at law. When these super-talented legal geniuses blow animal shaped balloons for the good ladies and gentlemen of the jury, theres just no way you can lose. So the judge might get a little irritated at the clown cars, and the elephants, and the acrobats, but one things for sure; When he shouts about his courtroom being turned into a circus, he's really going to mean it.  But thats nothin' a face full of seltzer won't cure.
So next time your in a jam, and you want top-notch legal representation, with a touch of the big top, give us a call, and say goodbye to legal woes forever.  


Motel Ebola: The hot zone, we really shouldn't be letting anyone within miles of the place, but what the hell.  At Hotel Ebola, the virus is everywhere, we don't know how it got here, but it's here.  Just come in and book a room, within a few hours, you should feel lightheaded, pretty soon nausau sets in.  Next thing you know your unconscious and blood is oozing out of every orifice.  We can pay people to lie around coughing up blood, and bleeding out of their eyes, we can put up police tape.  Have the desk clerk wearing a biosuit.  

The Corrections Corporation of Crumm Mountain:  Well, we all knew it would come to this.  The crime rate just couldn't keep up with the demands of the booming prison-building boom.  So the Corrections Corporation of Crumm Mountain, offers a new approach to the prison industry.   Voluntary incarceration.   CCCM, is an innovative new business, and their goal is to sell the idea of prison life to the American public.  They think that life in prison is what Americans want.  Three hots, a cot, weightlifting, and cable TV if your good.  CCCM, say's that they can provide the discipline that people need.   We think it's a great idea.  


Bowling Alley
Roller Skating Rink
Nuclear Winter Wonderland

Music district
Beyond the Pale-Punk club
32 Molzahn Place
Chlymidia Mountain, NY

Far from the madding crowd-Coffee house, music venue
215 Podpadic Commercial Corridor Rd.
Chlymidia Mountain, NY

Last Vestige Cafe-Coffee house, music venue
34 Kropotkin Plaza
Chlymidia Mountain, NY

Smoke-filled room-Punk club-
543 Trotsky Blvd.
Quinn Hill, NY

Behind the Eight ball-Bar, Billiards hall, music venue, hang-out for sleazy lowlifes
722 Podpadic Rd.
Chlymidia Mountain, NY

Protected Class Records
20 Haywood Ave.
Chlymidia Mountain, NY

Crash and bleed out Records
48 Kautsky St.
Chlymidia Mountain, NY

Kill Your Stereo Records
234 Oak St.
Chlymidia Mountain, NY

Obscure Records
30 John Brown Plz.
Chlymidia Mountain, NY

The Carl Fuling Record Collection
Po Box 319
The Emerald Valley Compound
Richmondville, NY 12149

On Strike Records
565 Podpadic Rd.
Chlymidia Mountain, NY

The CD end of town
735 Podpadic Rd.
Chlymidia Mountain, NY

For the Record
875 Eaton Ave.
Gomorrah Heights, NY

Media outlets

The Chlymidia Mountain Observer
486 Podpadic Rd.
Chlymidia Mountain, NY

Desperate Times
93 Chairman Mao Ave.
Chlymidia Mountain, NY
Chlymidia Mountain's most popular free alternative weekly paper, covering local politics, entertainment, business, arts, and of course nightlife.  Current editor Tonya Crane, used to write for The Philadelphia Weekly.  

The Chlymidia Mountain Reader
874 Podpadic Rd.
Chlymidia Mountain, NY

The Chlymidia Mountain Evening Enterprise
2300 Podpadic Rd.
Pomegranate Valley, NY

The Chlymidia Mountain Voice
PO Box 4622
Chlymidia Mountain, NY 12149

The Chlymidia Mountain Weekly
632 Santa Monica Ave.
Chlymidia Mountain, NY

Informed Citizen
PO Box 598
Chlymidia Mountain, NY
Published since 1992, this bi weekly journal explores the abuses of big business and it's partners in crime, our government.  Contributors include Al Brunewit, Sal Plassert, Gary Quincy, Gus Beastly, and Shaughn Blinnette,

Liberation Magazine
PO Box 1697
Chlymidia Mountain, NY
Chlymidia Mountain's anarcho/syndicalist advocate contributors include Len Pratt, Bob Conklin, Helena Dewey, and others

General Strike Magazine
PO Box 645
Chlymidia Mountain, NY

Here and Now
821 Debs Ave.
Chlymidia Mountain, NY
Unfortunuately, this alternative weekly paper is no longer published.  But when it was, it was a fierce advocate for the cities working people.   

WLSP radio 93.7 F.M.  Chlymidia Mountain Free Radio
55 Chairman Mao Ave.
Chlymidia Mountain, NY

WCMR 90.1 F.M.   Chlymidia Mountain government sponsered radio
588 The Amon Complex
Chlymidia Mountain, NY

WCMX Channel 3  Public television.  Run by an elected board
159 Loden Ave.
Chlymidia Mountain, NY

Community Organizations
The Chlymidia Mountain Human Rights and Social Justice Center-Alexander Brunewit
The Alliance Against Criminal Injustice-Helena Pleickhardt
The Isocratic Labor and Utopian Socialist Party-Bill Schruman
The Chlymidia Mountain Conservative Party-Ray Selleck
The Young Conservative Club of Chlymidia Mountain-Burt Schrader, Gaston Clarke, Matt Benac, Dan Gershowitz
The Strategic Family Values Defense Inititiative-Ed Adams
The Pragmatic Utopian Party-Lyndsay Busone
The Chlymidia Mountain Enterprise Institute-Peter Houston
The Right Way-Tim Scudder
The Populist Party of Chlymidia Mountain-Pat Talmis
The Democratic Party-Donald Asher
The Republican Party-Ray Selleck
The Chlymidia Mountain Enviornmental Coalition-Barbara Lindesmith

Performing Arts Venues
The Medium
The Chlymidia Mountain Performing Arts Center
Far From the Madding Crowd: A coffee house that hosts nightly performances by acoustic artists and local folkies.
Beyond The Pale: The hub of the Chlymidia Mountain punk scene.  
Bottom Of The Barrel: A live venue catering more towards country and folk performers.
The Smoke-Filled Room: A punk venue
The Last Vestige Cafe: A wacky coffee house.