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Whats Darlene La pixie up to?
What’s Darlene La pixie up to?
By Ella Cornwall
     Darlene La pixie, the ILUS party's upstart radical nominee to unseat Conservative City Legislator Geoffrey Hatlee, may have fell somewhat short of obtaining the majority of electoral votes required to defeat her opponent, however Chlymidia Mountain Mayor Stan Grouke, sees her fit to sit at the helm of a new executive commission studying the advantages and disadvantages of legalizing marijuana, for medicinal, industrial, and if desired recreational purposes.  According to Grouke, "the wondrous economic benefits of legalizing the hemp plant, are just so promising, and right now, theres no one better in my mind then Darlene La pixie, to lead this commission."   In a brief statement to the press, Ms. La pixie assured us that she had the desire to impartially analyze the issue when she accepted the position.  Byron Slaughter of Slaughter Media Industries however, thought differently.  "Darlene La pixie, has fought indefatigably over the last 20 years for the decriminalization and legalization of harmful and toxic drugs, and in those 20 years she has not once conceded one inch of her position that all drugs ought to be legal and openly available upon request.  It's clear that objective analysis of a particular issue, by someone as heavily biased as Ms. La pixie would be nearly impossible, if not deliberately avoided."  "But" say's Mayor grouke, "this commission is going to objectively analyze the issue.  I'll be the first to admit that both the right and left have political agenda's with regards to the legalization issue, however this commission is simply an information-gathering body.  Their mission is to conduct studies, of the economic and social ramifications of legalizing marijuana for medicinal and industrial purposes."    
     And none of this really matters anyway, because Darlene La pixie, won't possibly be able to devote full attention to the work of the commission, being as how she plans on challenging Jason Mattice for his City Legislature seat in Pomegranate Valley next year anyway.   If indeed, she wins that seat and resigns from her post as director of The Executive Commission Studying the Ramifications of Legalizing the Hemp Plant or (ECSRLHP), Deputy Director Tom Cooke, would automatically become Director.  A young attorney from St. Johns Law School, who for all intents and purposes would be just as qualified as La pixie to head the commission.   
     The focus of the commission is to release an objective, extensive, and comprehensive report analyzing the economic, environmental, industrial, and social results of legalizing the Hemp plant, which has been illegal since 1932, for it's use as a recreational hallucinogen.  Proponents of the plant insist that legalization will allow farmers to grow Hemp industrially, which will yield incredible economic and environmental benefits, as the plant is able to be made into paper, clothing, twine, rope as well as many other products.  "One of the major environmental advantages of legalizing hemp, industrially is that the plants ability to be used to make paper would, alleviate some of the stress, that this planets forests are now enduring with the massive clear-cutting going on." Says Barbara Lindesmith of the Chlymidia Mountain Environmental Coalition. "Oh piffle" say's Clyde Rabideau chief executive of Central Leatherstocking Lumber Co.  "Leftists love to drastically overstate to industrial impact of legalizing Hemp.  The fact of the matter is, that these people have a diabolical social agenda of lifting governmental restrictions on an insidious drug, that is criminally abused by millions of Americans.  The majority of legalization proponents are abusers of the drug marijuana, these are the same people that are hyping pot as some environmental panacea, able to solve all our problems.  But if we believe this, were allowing potheads to formulate public policy, and that's utterly preposterous."  At a recent meeting of the City Legislature Leg. Harvey Hooper was on hand to comment on Clyde Rabideau's remarks.   "Well, regardless of Mr. Rabideau's innuendos and name-calling, the executive commission established by Mayor Grouke is going to objectively analyze the facts with regards to this issue, and to accuse that "potheads are formulating public policy" I think is utterly preposterous.  Especially coming from a man with his own "diabolical" agenda.  Central Leatherstocking Lumber Co. makes 47 percent of it's profits selling lumber to paper mills, this is a man who rapes the environment for a living.  Would he be so involved in this issue if his company didn't have millions to lose if an alternative means of creating paper is explored?  Pfff! Utterly preposterous ehh?"
     The establishment of this commission  is conditional upon one more hurdle.  A public referendum, voted on during a special election to be held Friday, July 21st 2000.  After that, the commission exists.  And the debate over legalization of marijuana will find itself in a whole new arena.