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The Welcoming Committee
The Peoples Republic of Chlymidia Mountain NY
Corrupting Perfectly Good Minds Since 1889
The Podadpadic Commercial Corridor
Two youngsters sit on a bench in the famed Mushroom Park
Vagrancy is a highly prized status in Chlymidia Mountain
Being owned by America's corporate slave state got ya down? Mass consumerism make your flesh crawl? Ever just wish the workers would wake up and revolt? Well, your not alone. Especially when your in Chlymidia Mountain. From May 1st (May Day) to Halloween, Chlymidia Mountain is fully open and operational as a summer camp for the "culturally perverted", to quote a recent visitor. Guests can come and stay for a night, or stay all summer. Theres plenty to see and plenty to do. Almost every night theres live punk, bluegrass, folk, and jazz shows. And during the day there's always the downtown business district, featuring an assortment of "parody restuarants" and theme shops, ranging from the relatively cute and harmless to the outright offensive. So if your looking to escape a straight-laced, mainstream American society. This is the place to be.
Just forty miles west of Albany, 150 miles southeast of Syracuse, and 200 miles north of New York City, Chlymidia Mountain, offers not only a temporary escape from the depressing and dreary conditions of capitalist America but an introduction to alternative thought processes that invite you to change those depressing conditions.
Now in Chlymidia Mountain, you may pick up on a strong disdain for capitalism, but we don't shun free enterprise here, not at all, we've just got our own idea of entruepenurial innovation. Our motto is: The more bizarre, the better. To see this motto in practice take a stroll through our business district. Where not only will you find wacky, zany, crazy shops like The Unidentified Flying Pizza Parlor, or Soiled Rags and Colostome Bags, (don't ask) but you'll also see stores that make a strong social and political statement as well, such as Marshall Law's a department store that boasts it's very own lawless police state. And then there are businesses that in all honesty are simply intended to offend and cause controversey, for example Kentucky Fried Children, a fast food restaruant serving aborted Fetuses, (ofcourse, it's not really aborted fetuses).
Inside our stores aren't the only place where you'll find all kinds of craziness. Chlymidia Mountain has a seamy underbelly like no other. Why just walking down our streets your garaunteed to be accosted by prostitutes dressed in Disney costumes, or Chlymidia Mountains fundraising politicians, panhandling for campaign contributions. The streets of Chlymidia Mountain, lined with scrub pines and swaying sumac trees (the poor mans palm tree), are an adventure teeming with excitement, merriment, and intrigue.
If contending with hookers and homeless people isn't quite your idea of fun. Then check out our diverse music scene. Don't forget that Chlymidia Mountain is the punk hub of upstate NY. Drop by The Accordian Center, or The Smoke-Filled Room, and find out why that title is richly deserved. Any given weekend will find local punk groups sharing the stage with prominent national acts that never skip Chlymidia Mountain when touring the northeast. Of course punk isn't the only style of music tearing up the stages of Chlymidia Mountain. At Out Behind the Barn, you'll find Chlymidia Mountains hairy unwashed gettin' down and dirty to the pluckin' of local country and bluegrass singers banjo's. Or if sipping coffee to the gentle strum of a local folkie is your scene, we've got that too. Far From The Madding Crowd, is a small, friendly coffee house, where all you need is a sweet voice and an acoustic guitar to hog the spotlight. Music isn't all there is to enjoy. Check out the El Mozote Movie House and catch an independent film, or try our theme bowling alley, or our roller skating rink.
After a fulfilling evening of slamdancing perhaps you might be in the mood for some fine dining. Chlymidia Mountain has plenty to offer. Come on down to The Grassy Knoll, a bar/restaruant for todays contemporary paranoid conspiracy theorist, where Big Brother not only watches you, but might just try to buy you a drink. Menu's creatively printed on the backs of highway signs offer a variety of conspiracy theory-related dishes. And you don't have to be a right wing kook, or a militia nut to eat here. The Grassy Knoll welcomes all skeptics and nonbelievers. If your looking for someplace a little faster. Try McJesus's, where the Body of Christ, never tasted this good. It's a fast food joint run by Fast Food Fundamentalists. If a simple bun in the oven is more your preference, give Kentucky Fried Children a try. Come on in and feast on the fried flesh of aborted fetuses. Just look for all the prolife protesters turned loyal customers standing outside, advertising just how good the food is. Yup, it's Curette Lickin' Good! Okay so the dining may not be that fine, but hey, it's edible. Well most of it anyway.
However, they can also be dangerous if you don't know your way around. Wandering into the corporate ghetto, might get you killed. Here in Chlymidia Mountain. Business executives and corporate CEO's decided they'd drop their pretense of legitimacy, and operate like the cutthroat gangsta's they really are. They have drive-by downsizings from their limousines, and walk around listening to gangsta rap. It's only fair to warn you. So if you see any of these white-collar gangbangers lurking around, you'd best stay away from them. Despite this, Chlymidia Mountain can still be a fun and safe place to visit.